Thank you for writing this post, it inspired me to clarify some ideas I had around it: I have responded to this post here: http://interdependentsoul.com/2012/01/08/on-self-criticism/

Hope you enjoy!
Blessings,
-Tom Meli

I think you’re in the neighborhood of what I’m trying to say.

I do not, however, want to suggest that I am—or anyone else is—worthy of love.

Worthiness is not a notion I could defend or even define other than in terms of some standard, so I’d rather do without it. And, of course, the same for unworthiness. In “worthy”, I still hear conditionality, and without conditionality, I don’t know what “worthy” could mean. Or from another angle, I might say that I’m both worthy and unworthy, since I satisfy some people’s conditions and don’t satisfy other people’s conditions.

thanks for your reply. I’m glad you’re doing good. Unfortunately I’m too illiterate regarding programming to appreciate the explorations on your other blog. But I trust that it’s fun for those who get your meaning.

Alright, I get that you really want to point to something else than avoiding criticism (and I was teasing you a bit there). But I’d still like to check, whether I get what you’re saying.

Let’s take your example. When someone says “You’re inconsiderate!” and it hurts you, your theory is that it hurts you, because somewhere within your personality structure there’s a rule saying “You’re only worthy of love, when you’re considerate. – If you’re inconsiderate, you’re not worthy of love.” This is the pothole in your parallel. You can avoid having to acknowledge that somebody else deems you inconsiderate, that your behavior can be accurately summarized as inconsiderate or that you think of yourself as such. But avoiding the premise of the rule doesn’t change the rule.

Filling the pothole, then, means to fully acknowledge the fact that you’re inconsiderate, while AT THE SAME TIME confirm that you’re worthy of love?

Warmly
Niklas

I’ve been having a great time. Most of my creative energy is going into non-NVC explorations, some of which is described at my other blog.

“When someone criticizes you, look for the actual behavior of yours, that the other is referring to and acknowledge, how it affects the other person, without rationalizing or empathizing it away. Then look, what you can or want to learn from that. …”

In this description, I hear a strategy for neutralizing criticism, replacing it with objectivity/clarity and learning. Very useful stuff. I’m talking about a contrasting strategy with a quite different goal: instead of neutralizing, amplify! Lean into the criticism, owning it fully—more fully even than the critic intended.

While strategies for neutralizing criticism steer away from the gaps in my self-love, embracing and amplifying them raises another opportunity to fill those gaps.

As an analogy, suppose there are several potholes on the street where you live. After living there a while, you’re probably pretty good at steering around those holes. And good at getting out of the holes when you don’t manage to avoid them. These avoidance skills are helpful, since they let you get on with business, including getting past your street to other places, like where you work and where your friends live.

One of these days, however, you might want to fill the holes in your street.

Every time such a hole comes to my attention, I have an opportunity to invest in wholeness.

Lest anyone misunderstand the parallel I’m drawing, the holes are not our defects, which is a surface-level interpretation of criticism. That is, the holes are not blemishes in the perfection that would make us worthy of love. Rather, the holes are the gaps in our unconditional self-love.

long time no read. How have you been?

I’m wondering, how what you’re saying is different from “When someone criticizes you, look for the actual behavior of yours, that the other is referring to and acknowledge, how it affects the other person, without rationalizing or empathizing it away. Then look, what you can or want to learn from that. And please always do that with me, when I criticize you.”

Can you tell me?
Cheers
Niklas